Saturday, December 17, 2005

hushed and awed

I saw King Kong today.

Just an ape
No…a computer generated image

Until he moves his arm just in time for the dinosaur to rip through it rather than the girl he holds in his hand.

That’s when my heart changed.

What is it about sacrifice for someone, that is so beautiful...

That draws our hearts to the one who gives for us. To the one who is viciously protective and passionate. So many trudge along in life without ever dreaming it is real. They go to the movies and feel as if their hearts would break for the want of it, and then go get a hambuger at Mcdonalds's. Feelings gone, hope gone, life goes on. It IS real. You are real. I want to be near You. I want to hide beneath Your shadow and be safe forever. Yahweh. You have thrown yourself before the beast of sin for me. You have let it rip You to shreds while You covered me with the palm of Your hand to keep me safe. You let it tear until we thought all hope was lost. And then…

from the ashes a fire was woken, restored was body broken, not all hope was lost. From sorrow now all can sing…THE CROWNLESS, BEHOLD, HE IS KING! *

*a Tolkien poem I tweaked a little...

Friday, October 21, 2005

one sheep, two sheep, red sheep, no sleep...

I'm getting to be a habitually late-night blogger. I don't know that four entries makes a person a habitual anything though...I told Fran that I have to wait till I'm inspired. You know what she said? "Writing is 10%inspiration and 90% perspiration." Dang, that took all the soundness out of my argument. But anyway, I'm back at it and not feeling particularly inspired either. So Franny, we'll see what happens...

Tonight at college group we watched a video on sharing the gospel. The main point was that God has given us His law to bring people to Himself and the truth. I have had such a burden to open up and talk to people lately, but I always chicken out. And consequently, I feel like a failure and totally condemned. Reading that book about Keith Green was a big part of it. After he found Jesus, Keith and his wife were constantly telling everyone and people were believing and being saved all the time. While I was reading that, I saw a picture of what my life could be like if I would open up and let God use me. Well, I purposed in my heart to take a walk the next day and share with the people I happened to run into. And the next didn't happen. I've felt like this is a huge mountain in front of me. So I began to pray that God would remove it. I am to the place where I know I just can't do it. I'm too scared, completely inadequate, and honestly I don't care enough about peoples' eternal destiny. When I got down to it, I was scared that that was the true condition of my heart. But it was so wonderful to be totally honest with God. And now, I know He is working. He's giving me what I need to get over this mountain. I'm so excited. Thank you Father!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005


Just finished reading Keith Green's powerful!

Jesus, I want so much more of you. I want to be real God. Please open my eyes. Father, You have the design for my life and only you can take me where I need to be. Lord, in those last few chapters of John, you said three times that if we ask anything in Your name, You will do it. Three times!! I get it. Jesus, please fill me with the Holy Spirit and take control of my life. Be my every thought from the time my mind awakens to when I fall asleep. I love You.

Friday, May 20, 2005

silly, huh?

It was so much fun getting ready that day...A day out with the girls. And we were going to get our nails done. It sounds so silly now, but I was excited. I would be able to "clink" when I tapped my fingers on a table, and maybe I would look like a lady. I may be almost 23, but I don't think I'm there yet. Sometimes at work when I'm taking care of patients, a guilty giggle will slip out, at the thought of them seeing their nurse playing hide-and-go-seek at college, or blowing bubbles in her chocolate milk (yes, I still think that's fun). They think I'm a grown-up professional. He, he...

Anyway, back to that morning...we met at the shop and all decided on french manicures. The people fixing our nails must have known we were newbies, as we kept peeking at eachother and grinning, and waving with our Madusa hands. How could a person ever function with them that long? It's beyond me. As I was to find out though, even the 3mm I had them trimmed to, would prove challenging. But for that day, we couldn't have been more pleased.

Now skipping ahead to two nights later, I was sitting at the computer enjoying my first blogging experience. I was having such fun capturing in words a special momemnt in my life. The fly in the ointment though, was that just about every keystroke produced two letters on the screen. And not only were my nails making it hard to type, but they kept finding their way in between my teeth. They're so sneaky! The moment my thoughts were on something else, they would slip back in there and I'd start chewing on them again. It was only a matter of time before I had chipped one thumb nail and cracked the other right down the middle. Shoot! Well, they didn't look too bad, and I certainly didn't want to go spend $4 a piece to get them fixed. So, I resolved to be more careful.

And that lasted exactly two days. My breaking point came (ha ha, breaking point...aghem-Sorry) at Home Depot. I had gone to help my mom pick out counter tops and we ended up sitting at one of the employee's desks for almost an hour as he drew out what she wanted for an estimate. Within the first five minutes I was chewing again. It was a little nerve racking though, because it sounded so loud. I just knew any second the guy was going to look up from his pencil at me and say "honestly, that is so gross. Please stop, I can't concentrate." Sadly though, even that scary prospect couldn't stop my relentless habit.

"Crack!" And there went my pointer finger. Instead of splitting it down the middle though, the top had completely broken off. There was no going back now. By the time the man had circled the final price for my mom, I had two intact nails left. I hadn't lasted a week! And you'd think I would have felt sick for just chewing up and spitting out $24. And I guess I did a little, but mostly I was relieved to have those things off! I remember looking down and thinking, "You know God, I really like the way you did them better".

God does everything better.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005


Today I met Nicolae
early fifties, Russian, with the warmest blue eyes I have ever seen. When he smiled, the corners crinkled up perfectly and the blue sparkled and twinkled, and warmed me to my toes. I could have stood there shanking his hand until he was thoroughly uncomfortable. Thankfully though, my brother has more tact that I, and interrupted the moment. That's another thing...his hands. I've never seen hands like those. Enormous! And from years of hard work, they were so strong. The suprising thing was that they were soft as well. Have you ever had a handshake like that? I knew he could crush me like a grape, but he only used pressure enough to convey that he was sincerely glad to meet me.

"Nicolae...nice meet you...few words...many deeds." My confused expression, must have shown him that I wasn't following. Quickly he turned to my brother and said, "yes, please translate." My brother then explained that Nicolae couldn't yet speak very well, but he had a children's storybook in the truck that he was trying to learn from.

Amazing! A grown man, so strong, bent over a little kid's book, trying to learn my language. I sit here now, humbled.

All day long since that meeting, I have been thinking of why this man has fixed himself in my heart so quickly. After talking with him for two minutes, and not even understanding much of that, I find myself wishing I could walk with him every day. Hear his stories.

I think I know why. I see my Savior in those smiling eyes. I feel His love in the warm pressure of that hand. The humility there in his countenance was also a reflection of my Lord. I may never see Nicolae again. Well, this side of heaven at least. But he sure made me homesick. What will it be like to meet Jesus? To meet my Abba, my Husband, the closest Friend I have ever known... Today I got a taste of that. A small and wonderful reminder of what is to come. I am so ready.

Monday, May 09, 2005


That's a five dollar word huh? I added it to my gray matter data base today. I found it at the heading of Psalm 7 in my Bible. Strong's concordinance said it meant "a rambling poem". I wonder if David announced that that's what he had written, or if someone added it later. Anyway, it was a refreshing reminder of how free I can be with my God. I am so grateful that I don't have to have a thesis statement and four supporting paragraphs before I can open my mouth. And I don't have to come up with a captivating introduction for Him to tune in. I can ramble and vent and worship and cry and be still in any order I want. He hears me when I call.

In Song of Solomon, the beloved says: "O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely (Song 2:14 KJV)." How could the Lord Jesus possibly be talking to me? That doesn't sound like a passive listener, but someone who has been longing and waiting for me to draw near. Creator, Yaweh, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob...waiting for me. Incredible.